I Noticed...

I noticed that you stopped 

Calling 

Texting 

Reaching out

I noticed that you avoid me now

That my messages have gone unanswered 

The plans you said you wanted to make- you abandoned 

You’re not shocked anymore- but I am

I hear your silence- it’s cold and cruel

It screams- “get over it”

Or maybe it whispers- “I’m afraid of you, your loss scares me, I can’t watch you cry.”

Cumbersome, boring, blue

My grief is inconvenient to you 

And because you won’t risk watching my tears, you won’t get to see me smile or laugh- I finally remember how to do that too

You won’t experience the depth of my dreadful wisdom, the vantage point of my new perspective, the healing I might share with you 

It’s awful work, a job no one wants to do

But when we see it all, looking back, it’s the only way and it’s terrible in its magnitude

I’ve mastered forgiveness -it’s the work of a lifetime, I’ve mastered boundaries too

I’m not in a fortress though

I’m not waiting in some dark shadow 

I’m in the sunlight, in the rain, I’m making art of my pain. 

You’ll witness it and say, “you’re so strong.”

But my strength was only gained because I was forced to carry this grief on my own- I would have loved a softer path. 

“I can’t imagine” you might say, but you have imagined and it terrifies you. You can imagine but you do not understand, I hope you never have to

Ignoring me hasn’t brought my loved one back, it hasn’t given me some magical “space to process” it hasn’t closed the gap between what I need and what I have- it’s made me desperate 

Desperation is like war paint and I won’t apologize for the animal I’ve become as I learned to survive your abandonment. 

I’m arm in arm with so few -they’re brave, resilient, and true

I’m not bitter or broken beyond repair- I’m watching and learning and prepared. My suffering is not in vain

I hope you never pull up to the table I’ve prepared, but if by some grim chance you do… 

I won’t look away, I won’t hide from you, I won’t ignore your pain or pretend we aren’t a collective of fragile soul-fueled machines hurtling through space for a fleeting moment in time

If ever you find yourself in my shoes I will meet you eye to eye, soul to soul, I’ll help you through 

You might imagine but you don’t understand and only those that try to will know the depth of the love that endures.